Thursday, October 28, 2010
For anyone who has visited my other blog, you won't be surprised that I'm taking the CON position. If I don't hate it, it's not worth liking.
So, let's talk Halloween. Seriously, this holiday was fun--when I was eight. Now that I'm 29+, I don't need a reason to dress up and threaten people to get candy. That's just a typical Friday night at Badlands in San Francisco. And the candy they have there is so much better. Mmm, juices and berries. (Don't drink or do drugs, kids.)
Thinking back to being eight reminds me of my second reason for being anti-Halloween: children. I can't think of any circumstance (outside of needing their small hands to reach into my garbage disposal to fish out a piece of jewelry or a swizzle stick) where I would want children in my home. Their grubby little fingers grab at me and ask for sweets and treats and Glenn Beck-sponsored gold certificates. It's unnerving. No, I say, no. They can go to Christopher Elbow Artisanal Chocolates and buy their own $5 truffles.
And, even if I did want to pass out caramel apples or something, aren't people afraid of being poisoned or of biting into a razor blade? Don't we teach fear to children anymore? Parents, do your duty. Scare your children with real-world problems like tainted Tylenol, global climate change, and dolphins.
Finally, I just don't have the energy to think up a new costume every year. Oh, the pressure to be creative! It's too much!! I live in a city where people where 100 pound hats and sing during the National League Championship Series. How can I possibly compete with that? In short, I can't. So, I'm forced into the curmudgeon role, and no one wants to invite him to their fabulous Halloween parties. Unless I bring the good vodka, that is. Thank Aqua Buddha for the good vodka.
Over to you, Paula.
Thanks Todd. Yes, children are sucky, but those little money sucking black holes have nothing to do with why Halloween is awesome. Although, this is pretty cute:
Creationist in your life. No, the best thing about Halloween has nothing to do with kids and all about how much attention I can get for being clever. I am feministically opposed to the slutty version of everything costume and besides, everyone's already bitched about that (see slutty pumpkin) in any meaningful way.
So I tend to try and find the "OMFG that's so amazeballs" type of costume. I've always loved Halloween and my sister is an even bigger fan than I am. She used to have allll the best costumes (One year she just made a pregnant belly out of a towel and walked around drinking and it was the best. And then one year she was a leprechaun, which is doubley amazing because she's like five foot nothing and she bought wicked awesome makeup and it was, frankly, terrifying.)
But I have IDEAS folks, great ideas. This year I want to be Carl Sagan, I have the hair, I just need a red turtleneck, tan blazer, and the ability to say "billions and billions"* sort of like Kermit the Frog. I could also be Sherry Lewis because I actually HAVE a Lambchop puppet (thanks mom!) or I could be Justin Bieber, or Artie from GLee (I have the hair AND the gloves!) or Troi from Riker and Troi. I'd like to be Kanye because then I could just YELL ALL NIGHT LONG!
Or I could be this:
die without applause. And nothing gets you applause quite like a rad Halloween costume.
*Yes, I know he never actually said "billions and billions" but shut your face.
Thanks for reading guys, you've just been Long Distance Loved.
at 11:32 AM