- Photo via Fucked in Park Slope
Look, I'm all for this. We all know cats are evil and probably want to scratch our eyes out. Keeping them in a cage (of any kind) is easily the best way to protect ourselves. And, if some "high on catnip" hipster wants to traipse around Park Slope with a bag of cat dander on his back, who am I to say no?
In fact, let me make a few suggestions on decorating one's cat pack:
1. A "bumper" sticker that says "Rabies on board."
2. Chloroform-soaked cotton balls could be passed out at all the cool new bars. No, not for date rape (hipsters can buy Four Loko for that). They're to keep the caterwalling down to a minimum while your friends' local indie band plays out their emotional trauma on stage.
3. Three words: Giant Ziploc Bags
4. Yarn. Just toss that knitting into the cat pack. You know you're never going to finish it.
In short, bring on the cat packs. With luck, when they graduate to human baby pets, the cat pack owners will just slip their offspring in with Tabby. I'm even more afraid of babies.
No. No, no, no, no. I'm tired of hipster douches (I'm even tired of talking about and calling them hipster douches) taking all of my things. They work in libraries now, they knit and crochet, they wear ugly nerd glasses. They steal my 80's style clothes and wear them ironically, EVERYTHING'S NOT IRONIC! The quality looks of Michael J. Fox and James Spader are not jokes, do you understand? They are to be respected. Enough. I earned these things by suffering through it when it wasn't cool or ironic. I was ugly, glassesy, bookish and crafty when it was something you got picked on for and I'm just about all done with hipsters taking it over. I mean, I'm glad that being a "nerd" is cool now and you don't get beat up, but no. It's not even really cool, yeah, everyone loves Star Trek now, but come on, how can you not? Sulu's fencing sword is BAD. ASS. So, I'm not impressed. Try watching TOS and tell me how much you love Trek then. Or DS9. Or even tell me what DS9 means. Then you can step to me. So no, no taking over my love of cats. I'm a lady, I work in a library, I make scarves out of yarn, and I GODDAM LOVE ALL MY CATS. Unhealthfully. I take hundreds-NO, thousands of pictures of them. I talk to them, they are my kids. So no, hipsters, you don't get cat love too. I will not allow it.
Why do you have to take everything I love and make it into a personal statement about how cool you are?! Cat's are way to dignified to be put in a backpack, unless you do it "Get Fuzzy" style, which I doubt you would because you suck! So no. BAD HIPSTER.
(I don't know why this turned into a hipster rant. Just go with it.)