Friday, February 4, 2011

Cat Packs: Yes or No?

  • Photo via Fucked in Park Slope

He said:

Look, I'm all for this. We all know cats are evil and probably want to scratch our eyes out. Keeping them in a cage (of any kind) is easily the best way to protect ourselves. And, if some "high on catnip" hipster wants to traipse around Park Slope with a bag of cat dander on his back, who am I to say no?

In fact, let me make a few suggestions on decorating one's cat pack:

1. A "bumper" sticker that says "Rabies on board."
2. Chloroform-soaked cotton balls could be passed out at all the cool new bars. No, not for date rape (hipsters can buy Four Loko for that). They're to keep the caterwalling down to a minimum while your friends' local indie band plays out their emotional trauma on stage.
3. Three words: Giant Ziploc Bags
4. Yarn. Just toss that knitting into the cat pack. You know you're never going to finish it.

In short, bring on the cat packs. With luck, when they graduate to human baby pets, the cat pack owners will just slip their offspring in with Tabby. I'm even more afraid of babies.


She said:

No.  No, no, no, no.  I'm tired of hipster douches (I'm even tired of talking about and calling them hipster douches) taking all of my things.  They work in libraries now, they knit and crochet, they wear ugly nerd glasses.  They steal my 80's style clothes and wear them ironically, EVERYTHING'S NOT IRONIC!  The quality looks of Michael J. Fox and James Spader are not jokes, do you understand?  They are to be respected.  Enough.  I earned these things by suffering through it when it wasn't cool or ironic.  I was ugly, glassesy, bookish and crafty when it was something you got picked on for and I'm just about all done with hipsters taking it over.  I mean, I'm glad that being a "nerd" is cool now and you don't get beat up, but no.  It's not even really cool, yeah, everyone loves Star Trek now, but come on, how can you not?  Sulu's fencing sword is BAD.  ASS.  So, I'm not impressed.  Try watching TOS and tell me how much you love Trek then.  Or DS9.  Or even tell me what DS9 means.  Then you can step to me.  So no, no taking over my love of cats.  I'm a lady, I work in a library, I make scarves out of yarn, and I GODDAM LOVE ALL MY CATS.  Unhealthfully.  I take hundreds-NO, thousands of pictures of them.  I talk to them, they are my kids.  So no, hipsters, you don't get cat love too.  I will not allow it.
Why do you have to take everything I love and make it into a personal statement about how cool you are?!  Cat's are way to dignified to be put in a backpack, unless you do it "Get Fuzzy" style, which I doubt you would because you suck!  So no.  BAD  HIPSTER.

(I don't know why this turned into a hipster rant.  Just go with it.)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Abbreviated Word of the Day: Hidge

Hidge:  Hideous, offensive to the senses (especially sight).
Uses:  "That shirt is hidge", or, "Jessica Simpson's voice/pants/fiance is hidge."
Can be used alone or with other abbreviated words, ie, "people who don't say hidge are totes hidge."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Is an iPhone worth this?


Gizmodo: Where the workers who made your iPhone sleep at night

She Said:

No, it's not worth it.  But it's not going to stop me from buying the next one, and probably the next one.  I know that sounds callous and that's because it is.  Most of the stuff we have is not worth what it "cost".  My GAP jeans, my Target shirts, my TJ Max coat.  Someone, somewhere, with a crappier life than me worked long hours, was treated poorly and underpaid.  And yet I don't do anything. 

I love my iPhone (I even have an iPad-equally as life changing) and I love that I can document every instance of my life, my cats lives, my husband's life and even do math homework and deposit checks.  The only thing my iPhone can't do, is make me feel like a good person. 

I'm sure everyone has these thoughts, I just wish that more people, myself included, would do more to make the world a better place.  I'm not sure why I don't do more to be a contributing member of society in terms of helping the less fortunate in this world.  Is it a distance thing?  I'm not sure.  I would help someone I knew escape a sweat shop.  So why not these people?  I could just as easily have been born there, or work there, or know these people and yet I do nothing.  In terms of spirituality (which I despise) I feel closer now to humanity as an atheist than I did as a christian.  Because I could have been born there I feel like, on a certain level, I was.  I am just like Christine O'Donnell because I am you.  And you are me, and we are them.  And no one's helping us.  But at least we look good.

He Said:

If you read my last post, then you clearly understand that I'm an empathetic, loving, passionate human being with deep feelings who cares about things deeply. Right?

Well, since we understand each other, let me tell you about my iPhone: it rocks. My first iPhone was a 3G model. I waited a WHOLE YEAR to get it. And it was absolutely worth every single suicide net they've had to put up at the factory dorms. Seriously. I got it just before my friend's wedding in Oregon and it made the trip an event to remember (yes, I guess the wedding-thing had a similar effect, too). For two years, I cradled this phone--nay, not a phone, a life-device. Then, the iPhone 4 was announced. And it was gorgeous. And fast. And had a better camera!! Life is literally better with my iPhone in it. Well, my life is better, that is.

Now, I feel a little bad that the workers have to live in cramped, cold, dimly lit quarters (although it gives me some great cost-saving ideas for my employer. Look out, corner office, here I come!). But, let's look at this Gizmodo story closely: they have entertainment rooms, workout equipment, sinks for washing, AND mugs for their toiletries!! Do you think the workers in Upton Sinclair's The Jungle had flatscreen televisions? I think not!

On a serious note, I do hope conditions in China continue to improve. If they don't, we'll never be able to compete with them in a global economy.

Finally, Paula, I welcome your journey to the dark side. It's a little cruel over here, but the gadgets and the WiFi are UNBELIEVABLE!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Is President Obama Cock Blocking Gay Rights with Don't Ask, Don't Tell?

She said:

No...and yes.  I have to use bulleted points for this one.

1)  He's not a king, he's a president:

The rough part about this whole conversation is that I definitely agree that President Obama could and should be doing more for gay rights.  However, I don't agree that he should repeal DADT using his mighty king like power.  I didn't like W using his power to do things I disagreed with and I don't want President Palin using her mighty ignorance to, say, overturn the healthcare bill that just gave 30 million Americans healthcare coverage.  So, President Obama is doing exactly what he should be doing, legally, by appealing the DADT ruling.  It's his job to defend laws, even laws that he may or may not agree with.  It's the DOJ's job as well.  I have heard the argument that a presidents past have made decisions like this and I acknowledge that it has been done.  But this is rare and not something that is good for America as a trend.

2)  He never promised us anything:

I do think he should be encouraging congress to take more action and he should be encouraging the American people to be more empathetic and open minded and to support equality.  I can't imagine all y'all are that shocked, I mean, he's not even in favor of  gay marriage, he supports civil unions.  He's not the lefty everyone says he is.  He said on the campaign trail he's not going to do all of this for us.  It can happen, if WE make it happen.  I honestly haven't done a thing for gay rights other than not being a bigot or a homophobe.  I post articles on my facebook but I'm not a member of the gay/straight alliance at my college, I don't protest, picket, or volunteer for any causes.  It's more my fault than Obama's that gay rights haven't gone anywhere.  Change doesn't happen from the top down, it happens with us.  He never campaigned on a liberal hopey changey thing, we projected our dreams onto him.  He was very honest about his abilities, he said it would be hard work.  I'd prefer the removal of DADT be done the RIGHT way, so that America retains it's ability to ward off power hungry politicians. 

3) I hate to say we're all spoiled but.  We're all spoiled:

I know equal rights are not a privelage (hence, rights) and I'm not bothered that people are disappointed.  What bothers me is the reaction.  The "loss of faith", the jaded defeat.  It's typical liberal stuff.  Healthcare reform?  We has it.  GM bailout saving thousands of middle class jobs?  We has it.  Stimulus package that worked as intended?  We has it.  Allowing the return of dead soldiers bodies to be filmed so George Bush can see the horror of the war he lead us into falsely?  We has it.  1.4 Billion dollars for veteran's?  We has it.  Repealed the ban on federal funding for life saving stem cell research?  We has it.  Need I go on?  He's done a lot.  Don't become dispirited because you didn't get EVERYTHING you wanted.  Just keep at it.  Write him, call your reps, do MORE to make the causes you believe in, the causes we all believe in.   

AND, can I just say, he's gotten a lot more done than anyone since Bill Clinton has done.  Are we not talking about it?  Is it not closer than ever to being repealed???  It is.  It's because Obama's awesome.  Even though he didn't give me my new unicorn.

He said:

Look. I'm queer. I voted for President Obama. I voted for the audacity of hope. For change. For a progressive mind and will and philosophy to guide and shape our government.

Instead, I got this. The Obama administration says it wants to repeal DADT but, when DADT is found to be UNCONSTITUTIONAL, the same administration chooses to file an appeal of the judge's injuction against DADT. As CNN puts it, "In effect, the administration wants to continue barring gays from the military even though it ultimately favors repealing 'don't ask, don't tell.'" I call that "having your cake and eating it, too."


I also call it political hypocrisy. It's an effort by President Obama to court string along the Gay Vote while simultaneously trying not to alienate and frighten the more homophobic members of his constituency. You know, the people who are more likely not to vote for him anyway? Yeah, those people. Meanwhile, the millions of young and "undecideds" who were energized by the President's progressive, liberal message of change have had their political hope gutted. They voted for change and they got milquetoast political expediency.

Yes, Mr. President, I'm disappointed. And, no, I don't think you've done enough with your mandate when it comes to gay rights. Instead of change I can believe in, you've given me change I have to hope for. It doesn't taste as sweet.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

One Halloween, Two Points of View: Debating the Pros and Cons of All Hallow's Eve


He said:

For anyone who has visited my other blog, you won't be surprised that I'm taking the CON position. If I don't hate it, it's not worth liking.

So, let's talk Halloween. Seriously, this holiday was fun--when I was eight. Now that I'm 29+, I don't need a reason to dress up and threaten people to get candy. That's just a typical Friday night at Badlands in San Francisco. And the candy they have there is so much better. Mmm, juices and berries. (Don't drink or do drugs, kids.)

Thinking back to being eight reminds me of my second reason for being anti-Halloween: children. I can't think of any circumstance (outside of needing their small hands to reach into my garbage disposal to fish out a piece of jewelry or a swizzle stick) where I would want children in my home. Their grubby little fingers grab at me and ask for sweets and treats and Glenn Beck-sponsored gold certificates. It's unnerving. No, I say, no. They can go to Christopher Elbow Artisanal Chocolates and buy their own $5 truffles.

And, even if I did want to pass out caramel apples or something, aren't people afraid of being poisoned or of biting into a razor blade? Don't we teach fear to children anymore? Parents, do your duty. Scare your children with real-world problems like tainted Tylenol, global climate change, and dolphins.

Finally, I just don't have the energy to think up a new costume every year. Oh, the pressure to be creative! It's too much!! I live in a city where people where 100 pound hats and sing during the National League Championship Series. How can I possibly compete with that? In short, I can't. So, I'm forced into the curmudgeon role, and no one wants to invite him to their fabulous Halloween parties. Unless I bring the good vodka, that is. Thank Aqua Buddha for the good vodka.

Over to you, Paula.

She said:

Thanks Todd.  Yes, children are sucky, but those little money sucking black holes have nothing to do with why Halloween is awesome.  Although, this is pretty cute:

And perfect for taunting the Creationist in your life.  No, the best thing about Halloween has nothing to do with kids and all about how much attention I can get for being clever.  I am feministically opposed to the slutty version of everything costume and besides, everyone's already bitched about that (see slutty pumpkin) in any meaningful way. 

So I tend to try and find the "OMFG that's so amazeballs" type of costume. I've always loved Halloween and my sister is an even bigger fan than I am.  She used to have allll the best costumes (One year she just made a pregnant belly out of a towel and walked around drinking and it was the best.  And then one year she was a leprechaun, which is doubley amazing because she's like five foot nothing and she bought wicked awesome makeup and it was, frankly, terrifying.)

But I have IDEAS folks, great ideas.  This year I want to be Carl Sagan, I have the hair, I just need a red turtleneck, tan blazer, and the ability to say "billions and billions"* sort of like Kermit the Frog.  I could also be Sherry Lewis because I actually HAVE a Lambchop puppet (thanks mom!) or I could be Justin Bieber, or Artie from GLee (I have the hair AND the gloves!) or Troi from Riker and Troi.  I'd like to be Kanye because then I could just YELL ALL NIGHT LONG! 

Or I could be this:

Which is what pops up if you Google "best Halloween costume ever" and folks, it truly is.  So it really has nothing to do with drinking or slutting, or nasty miniature humans with grubby fingers mucking up your shiny things, it's all about attention. And if you're like me and Tinkerbell, you die without applause.  And nothing gets you applause quite like a rad Halloween costume.

*Yes, I know he never actually said "billions and billions" but shut your face.

Thanks for reading guys, you've just been Long Distance Loved.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


We're Todd
and we're Paula
 and we're awesome.
One lives here.
One lives here.
We've never met.
We're Long Distance Love:  The Bad Fat That's Good For You.